Caring for Aging Parents

Gospel Encouragement for Six Challenges Older Adults Face

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Aging Parents: A Wide Variety of Stories, Struggles, and Opportunities 

Lauri’s mother, Judith, recently retired; not long after, Lauri’s father died, making her mother a widow. Now Judith feels old, even though she’s only 62. Maria’s father, Rico, age 64, a United States citizen, struggles to care for his aging parents, who live in Mexico City. Paula’s mother, Francine, 75, began showing signs of dementia last year, and at Paula’s urging, sold the home where she had lived for forty years to move in with Paula and her family. Francine rarely leaves her room, not wanting to impose on her daughter’s family. She feels lonely and lost.

Karen Skerrett, psychologist, Marcia Spira, social worker, and Jasmine Chandy, social worker, have studied older adults and coined a new phrase for the season of transition from adulthood to old age: “emerging elderhood.” According to Skerrett, Spira, and Chandy, the wide variety of stories emerging elders inhabit can cause them to feel “rudderless” and isolated.¹

Six Challenges Older Adults Face

They propose six key challenges emerging elders face at different times: 

“acknowledgment and acceptance of the realities of aging; normalization of associated angst about the future; active reminiscence and possible longing for the past; accommodation to physical, cognitive, and social changes; search for new emotionally meaningful goals; and the expansion of the capacity to tolerate ambiguity and complexity of life circumstances. (Skerrett, Spira, and Chandy, “Emerging Elderhood,” 383.)

As we seek to care well for aging parents, keeping these varying challenges and opportunities in mind will help. Praying and seeking wisdom from God and others will show us which of these challenges aging parents may be currently experiencing. As we pray and seek counsel, we can trust that the gospel equips both adult children and aging parents to meet these challenges. 

Gospel Encouragement for Six Challenges

1. Acknowledgment and acceptance of the realities of aging

The challenge: It’s hard enough for our parents to acknowledge and accept the realities of aging, not to mention its effect on us. How can the dad who gave us driving lessons now fumble with his car keys and struggle to park? How can the mom who helped us with our math homework struggle to pay her bills?

Gospel encouragement: Second Corinthians 4:16 gives our parents and us words to acknowledge and accept the truth about aging bodies: “Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.” Indeed, because of the hopeful reality of the resurrection to come, we have every reason to “not lose heart” as we face the hard realities of aging, in our parents and in ourselves. 

2. Normalization of associated angst about the future

The challenge: Hard questions about the future assault the minds of aging parents and their caregivers. What will happen if health declines? Is this a sign of dementia or cognitive decline? What if they lose their independence?

Gospel encouragement: Jesus tells us in Matthew 6:34, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” We can remind ourselves and our parents that it’s normal to feel anxious about the unknown future, but the sovereign Lord who has cared kindly for them throughout their lives will continue to do so. When we feel anxious, we can allow that anxiety to lead us to prayer and to the remembrance that “The Lord is near.” As we pray, the surpassing and surprising peace of God will “guard [our] hearts and [our] minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:7).

3.  Active reminiscence and longing for the past

The challenge: As the children of aging parents, we may tire of parents endlessly repeating the same stories. And yet, what we see as a challenge is actually an opportunity. Research has shown that reminiscence and longing for the past are not only normal for older adults, but can actually be therapeutic, especially for those with dementia.²

Gospel encouragement: Throughout Scripture, older generations are called to tell the stories of the Lord’s “mighty acts” and “wondrous works” to the next generation (See Psalm 145:3-7). Older adults should remember their stories and share them with the intention of helping the next generation “set their hope anew on God” (See Psalm 78:6-7). We can help aging parents tell their stories by intentionally asking them questions about how they have seen the Lord work in their lives, in ordinary events (school, work, relationships), in difficult times (seasons of sorrow and loss), and in their spiritual journey. We might consider paying for a program to help them record their stories (I offer a six-week online or individual Living Story Legacy Workshop based on creation, fall, redemption, and restoration. Story Worth is a highly regarded secular program). Whatever we do, we want to recognize reminiscence and active longing for the past as normal and encourage parents to engage in it helpfully and hopefully.

4. Accommodation to physical, cognitive, and social changes

The Challenge: As parents age, they may face physical decline, cognitive impairment, and shrinking social worlds. We’ve already mentioned the distress physical and cognitive changes may bring, both for parents and their caregivers. A shrinking social world also causes isolation, which has been shown to be deeply harmful to older adults. [For more on how to address loneliness in older adults, see last month’s column.]

Gospel Encouragement: Regarding the wasting away of the physical body, we can remember and remind parents that our bodies are temporary tents that will one day be replaced with eternal ones (2 Corinthians 5:1). We can also remind our parents that their identity as God’s beloved child never changes. Limitations on the ability to volunteer in church or at an outreach ministry do not affect their worth in God’s eyes.

Regarding the shrinking social world that often comes with aging as moves are required and friends and family die, we must acknowledge and encourage the grief of such loss. We may also recognize reduction in social activity as potentially normal for older adults: research has shown that many adults engage in something called “socioemotional selectivity” as energy for numerous relationships wanes.³ Aging parents may become selective about the number of relationships they pursue and the degree of participation in social events. We can acknowledge that as normal and even encourage such selectivity if parents feel guilty about reducing their social involvement. We can also remember that the Lord who is our constant comfort and beloved bridegroom knows our parents’ social needs and comes alongside them in their loneliness.

5. Search for new emotionally meaningful goals.

The Challenge: With retirement and physical and cognitive decline, aging parents may struggle to find purpose and meaning in their lives. Many older adults ask, “Why is God keeping me here?”

Gospel Encouragement: In the Bible, aging is a sign of honor, and the aged are to be honored: “Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life” (Proverbs 16:31). As we honor aging parents, they will see that God has given them purpose, even where they have lost physical abilities. An older adult is always called to pass on their legacy of wisdom and encouragement to the next generation and to continue to pray for others. When we ask aging parents to share their stories with us, to counsel us with their wisdom, and to pray for us, we remind them of their meaning and purpose.

6. A growing capacity to tolerate ambiguity and complexity of life circumstances

The Challenge: As we saw with Judith, Rico, and Francine, aging parents must often navigate significant change and unfamiliar circumstances. In some cases, the change brings ambiguity or ambivalence: for example, parents may be excited about not having to take care of their home and yard anymore; at the same time, in selling their home, they lose lifelong neighbors. As we care for aging parents, we must remember the complexity of their stories. 

Gospel Encouragement: To navigate such complexity requires a return to the Lord, who is “the same yesterday, today, and forever” (Hebrews 13:8). We can remind our aging parents to seek the Lord and to trust him to help them through transitions (See Proverbs 3:5-6). When trials come, we can remind our aging parents that the Lord is “near to the brokenhearted” (Psalm 34:18), even as he is working in all things for our good and his glory (Romans 8:28-31). In Christ, we and our aging parents will find the steadfast hope we need to navigate the complexities we face.

The Joy of the Journey of Caring for Aging Parents

While caring for aging parents presents new challenges every day, it is a sacred calling. Just as our aging parents are being stretched by the challenges of elderhood, so are we. As we depend on Christ to meet these challenges, we discover that elderhood offers new comforts, new joys, and new opportunities. Indeed, when we are weak, then we are strong (See 2 Corinthians 12:9-10). May we embrace the weakness and uncertainty we feel and learn to love, honor, and cherish the aging parents God has given us. 

If you have aging parents, what challenges do you see them facing? What encourages you as you care for them? Or, if you are an aging parent, what do you wish your children knew about caring for you?

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Hi! I’m Elizabeth, and I love learning about older adulthood! I’m a writer, speaker, and coach who helps people navigate the issues of aging, caregiving, legacy, and end-of-life. I wrote Preparing for Glory: Biblical Answers to 40 Questions about Living & Dying in Hope of Heaven and several devotionals. Every month, I send out an email with free and paid resources for aging graciously. If you’d like to get this email on the first of the month, sign up here: http://eepurl.com/b__teX.

1. Karen Skerrett, Marcia Spira, and Jasmine Chandy, “Emerging Elderhood: Transitions from Midlife,” inical Social Work Journal 50, no. 4 (December 1, 2022): 379, https://doi.org/10.1007/s10615-021-00791-2, 378. 

2. Shubam Sharma and Susan Bluck, “Older Adults Recall Memories of Life Challenges: The Role of Sense of Purpose in the Life Story,” Current Psychology 42, no. 27 (September 30, 2023): 23464, https://doi.org: 10.1007/s12144-022-03439-7. 

3. Margret M. Baltes and Laura L. Carstensen, “The Process of Successful Ageing,” Ageing & Society 16, no. 4 (July 1996): 397–422, 398.