Caring for Those Who Care for You
Thoughts for Aging Parents Who Want to Live and Love Wisely and Well
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Dear Friends,
My hope in sharing these thoughts is to encourage those of us who are entering this season—or who may still be a few years away—to consider how we can care well for those who care for us, particularly our adult children.
That being said, I recognize that for some, this discussion may not feel applicable. If you are caring for an aging parent (or loved one) who is already deeply debilitated or suffering from dementia, you are walking a uniquely challenging road. Please know that my heart goes out to you. May you find strength, wisdom, and sustaining grace in the midst of the hard and holy work of caregiving.
One Caregiver’s Story
In one of the hardest seasons of my life—a season marked by intense caregiving—our youngest son endured four brain surgeries while my father was dying of prostate cancer. My father could have reasonably asked for much of my time and energy. Our son’s journey began in August, and by September, my father was dying. He needed care. Yet, instead of making demands, he kept reassuring me. Whenever I called from a hospital waiting room in another state, he insisted he was “tip-top.”
It wasn’t until I returned home and took my dad to an oncologist’s appointment that I grasped the severity of his condition. A staff member wheeled him out of his assisted living facility, and I was stunned by how frail he had become in the two weeks since I had last seen him. Then, in the waiting room, he quietly dropped the news that shattered me—his chemo pill was no longer working, and he had stopped treatment. I was angry. Why hadn’t he told me the truth? Why had he let me believe he was fine?
Eight years later, I understand. He wasn’t deceiving me out of selfishness—he was trying to protect me. He knew he was dying, and his final act of selflessness was to shield me from one more burden in a season already heavy-laden with sorrow.
Was he right or wrong to withhold the truth? I still wish he had told me sooner. I would have liked to have had time to call on the kind and brilliant care of hospice to walk him through his final days. Instead, I met with a hospice worker just three days after that waiting room revelation, and that very night, my father died.
A Call to Care for Those Who Care for Us
Here’s my point — older adults, especially Christian older adults, can show empathy toward the adult children caring for them, even as they endure the hardships of aging. When older adults care for the adult children caring for them, they ease the burdens their children carry.
Search the internet, and you’ll find countless articles on caring for aging parents. I hear from adult children all the time—through emails, calls, and in-person conversations—pleading for guidance. They long to honor their parents, but they are also juggling teenagers and young adults who still need them, alongside work and ministry demands. I believe aging parents can care for their weary children, even as they accept the care they need.
For Christian older adults, the call is clear – the apostle Paul tells Titus to teach older men to “exercise self-control, to be worthy of respect, and to live wisely…[to] have sound faith and be filled with love and patience” (Titus 2:2). Paul tells Titus to instruct the older women “to live in a way that honors God. They must not slander others or be heavy drinkers. Instead, they should teach others what is good” (Titus 2:3). This countercultural way of living for older men and women is what flows from what is true about them in Jesus Christ — they have been made new, made righteous (See 2 Cor. 5:17, 21). Living in a way that accords with their new selves shows others what it means to be a follower of Christ. Christian older men and women today are similarly called to show others the faith, hope, love, and endurance they have because of Christ until the day they meet their Savior face to face. What might this look like in some common caregiving situations?
Communicate Clearly and Kindly
A New Season for You and Your Children
First, graciously acknowledge that this season of life—one in which your children are stepping into the role of caregivers—is new territory for both of you. The shifting of roles can feel unsettling, and the learning curve is steep. Thank your children for their willingness to walk alongside you, for their desire to honor and care for you in this season. Their love and concern are gifts, even when the realities of aging bring challenges.
Invite Your Children into the Process
Whenever possible, involve all of your children in your care. Family conflicts over caregiving can be painful, even destructive, especially when communication is unclear. Encourage your children to speak openly and kindly with one another. By initiating honest conversations now, you not only relieve potential tension but also model the kind of communication you hope they will continue long after you’re gone.
Clarify Details to Prevent Burden and Conflict
One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is clarity. The more decisions you make in advance, the fewer burdens they will carry later. In our Organizing Your Life and Legacy course, we’ve been encouraged by the example of older adults who take the initiative—long before they need care—to gather their family and discuss end-of-life matters. When you designate a durable power of attorney, complete an advance directive, and express your wishes clearly, you reduce the likelihood of conflict because your children will not have to guess at your desires.
As you share these plans, remind your children of your ultimate hope—that when you die, you will be with your Savior. What a powerful testimony for those in your family who may not yet believe!
Accept Needed Help with Humility
Call, Don’t Fall.
While my dad kindly considered my caregiving burden as he neared the end of his life, his independent bent sometimes created stress. As he weakened, he began to fall, but he hated to ask for help. He was not alone. One in four older adults falls each year. Falls in older adults can lead to ER visits and even death if a person becomes immobilized and develops pneumonia. Recognizing the disastrous consequences that accompany falls will help you to understand why your children are so eager to protect you from them.
You can be proactive in preventing falls. Consider taking fitness classes designed to help you maintain strength and balance. Accept practical adjustments, such as removing rugs, installing grab bars, or using a walker if your doctor has recommended one. It may feel humbling, even frustrating, but these small changes can keep you safer and ease your children’s concerns.
Face Limitations with Wisdom and Grace
Recognizing limitations, whether regarding driving, living in one’s home, or managing daily tasks, is another way to show love and wisdom. Initiate discussions with your adult children about these difficult topics. Remember that your adult children are not eager to tell the parent who taught them to drive it’s time to give up the car keys. Assume the best about your adult children, that they desire to honor you and to accommodate your wishes as long as possible. At the same time, remember all of the heavy burdens they carry — families, careers, and other responsibilities. Show them compassion and grace as you navigate these difficult conversations.
Look to the Lord for the Grace You Need
Everyone agrees, even Scripture agrees — aging is hard. And yet, there is good news…if you are in Christ, the aging journey ends with seeing your Savior face to face. Until that day, trust that the Lord is working to make you more like your Savior through the challenges of aging and its accompanying struggles. You can be confident that he will supply the grace and strength you need in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). As you rest in his care for you, you can show compassion to the adult children who care for you. What an opportunity to live out the faith, endurance, and peace God supplies before your children. And what a legacy you will leave!
I’d love to hear from you. What have you seen other older adults do that showed care for the adult children caring for them? Or, if you are an adult child, in what ways could your your parents help you care well for them?
Hi! I’m Elizabeth, and I love learning about older adulthood! I’m a writer, speaker, and coach who helps people navigate the issues of aging, caregiving, legacy, and end-of-life. I wrote Preparing for Glory: Biblical Answers to 40 Questions about Living & Dying in Hope of Heaven and several devotionals. Every month, I send out an email with free and paid resources for aging graciously. If you’d like to get this email on the first of the month, sign up here: http://eepurl.com/b__teX.
My devotional, The Waiting Room, is based on this season (affiliate link).
2 For more on conversations about preventing falls, see this guide.