Have you ever had to help an aging parent downsize and/or move? Or do you know someone who has or is going through this process now? (That’s a real question, and I’d love to know your answer!)
Because it can be so challenging, I’ve researched and compiled stories to give us some ideas on how to make the process go more smoothly.
The Struggle Is Real
Jill bit her lip, trying to keep from yelling at her mom. She hadn’t felt this mad since she got grounded as a teenager right before graduation. As her eighty-something parents’ health had continued to decline, they had finally agreed with Jill that they needed to sell their four-bedroom home and move into an assisted living facility. But they wouldn’t let Jill help them clean out their house, no matter how many times she offered. Today she had walked into her childhood home to find piles of books blocking her path into the living room. Once she forged her way through, she saw clothes and dolls and lamps and shoes and toys covering every available surface. She didn’t know whether to cry or scream. Jill worried that her parents were going to kill themselves trying to organize and pack—if she didn’t kill them first.
Jill is not the first adult child to struggle with aging parents when moving becomes necessary. Both sides are often at fault: parents, accustomed to their independence, refuse the help they need; adult children, worried and pressed for time, fail to help in a way that is helpful. How can we follow the biblical injunction to “Honor your father and mother” as we come alongside our parents in the downsizing process? How can we serve our parents, making an already difficult transition smoother and less painful? To truly love our parents well in this process, we will need prayer for hefty doses of wisdom, humility, empathy, patience, and compassion. The following five strategies will help in the difficult process.
Five Strategies for Helping Our Aging Parents Move
1. Allow plenty of time
When he was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer at age 81, my father lived alone. We knew the day would likely come that he needed to move to assisted living, but he resisted leaving his home. When his cancer metastasized to his bones, making walking difficult, his home became dangerous, and we had to move him quickly. Such a sudden move can be jarring; ideally, we will allow plenty of time for our parents to adjust to the idea and to make the move.
Rodney saw the signs that it was time when he went to visit his parents one Christmas. Paint was chipping. Ceiling light bulbs needed changing. Mold was growing in the bathroom. The kitchen smelled greasy. He raised the topic of moving. He asked his parents to describe what was challenging about where they lived. He described options for smaller apartments that included maintenance contracts and housecleaning. He didn’t push, but he did gently nudge. His parents had already realized they could no longer care for their home, and they became excited about the move.
As they prepared for the move, Rodney prayed for patience and understanding; he knew his parents couldn’t sort and pack at his pace. Choosing what to leave behind presents cognitive, emotional, and physical challenges for aging parents. He set sessions to sort and pack at two to three hours maximum, knowing longer sessions could result in physical injury and/or decision fatigue. Over a period of six months, Rodney and his parents sorted, discarded, donated, packed, and moved. One year later, he was delighted to visit his parents and find them happily settled in a clean and well-maintained apartment.
2. Exercise empathy
Simple exercises in empathy will also help us develop the compassion we desperately need. Sarah had talked for several months with her eighty-four-year-old parents about a needed move to an assisted living facility near her home. Her parents had agreed, but insisted on decluttering and packing themselves. One evening, Sarah called her parents to see how the packing was going. When they told her they hadn’t done much because they were going to postpone the move, she ended the call quickly, frustrated and anxious. She prayed for patience, and an answer came. She began to imagine what it would be like for her to move from the home she had lived in for the last twenty-five years. She pictured her husband having to give away all of the fishing gear he had carefully arranged in a small workshop. She pictured herself having to give away most of the Christmas decorations she had displayed year after year, being forced to choose just a few things to take with her. Her exercise in empathy softened her heart and helped her revisit the conversation with her parents with kindness and gentleness.
3. Name, acknowledge, and enter grief
Joe wanted to help his single mom, JoEllen, sort and pack, but she kept insisting they keep “junk,” a forty-year-old broken pocketknife, chipped tea cups, scruffy dolls. After four hours of hearing his mom say, “No, we can’t give that away—it belonged to…my father, my grandmother, your sister,” he was over it. He told his mom he needed a break and went for coffee.
As he drove toward the coffee shop, he started thinking of the years his seventy-six-year-old mom had been in her home—over forty now. JoEllen had sipped tea with her mother out of those tea cups. JoEllen had watched his sister hug that doll for comfort after their dad had left them. JoEllen had sat with her own dad on the front porch when he pulled out his pocketknife to whittle. Joe began to understand. JoEllen didn’t want to say good-bye. She was grieving the loss of decades of memories.
When he returned, Joe sat JoEllen down on the sofa and put his arm around her. “Mom, I get it. You are leaving behind so many memories, some wonderful, hard memories. It’s okay to be sad about it.” JoEllen leaned on Joe and burst into tears. After that, sorting and packing went more smoothly. JoEllen just needed to know it was okay to be sad about the things she could no longer keep.
4. Point our parents toward the joy of generosity
Joe had a point—there was no way his mother could fit the contents of a three bedroom home into a two bedroom apartment. The challenge of downsizing in a consumer culture is how to part with objects and furniture that make up our history and to which we have grown attached. Rosa understood the challenge, and helped her parents create discard, donate, sell, and keep piles. She helped them give away things they treasured by describing how the recipient would use it—their grandson would love to try out coffee roasting; their next door neighbors had always envied her parents’ fancy grill; their niece could use all of their extra linens for guests in her new home. Rosa also agreed to take a few items that she didn’t really want, because she knew it would please her parents. She photographed items in their collections and created albums so they could still enjoy looking at them. The process took more time, but her parents felt loved and appreciated and got excited about giving things away.
5. Seek outside help
After months of struggling to get his parents to prepare for their move to his home, Yoshi realized that he needed help. He asked an older aunt who had already been through the process to talk with her parents. She told them bluntly, “You are sad now. Moving isn’t for sissies. But you will do this, and you will be glad. You will play with your grandchildren, and you will eat dinner with your family, and you will be safe and you will know you are loved.”
We can take advantage of the gifts of the body of Christ, or the gifts of businesses that specialize in helping seniors downsize. Yoshi was wise to take his own easily triggered emotions out of the equation. As he realized, our parents may accept help from peers or paid services more quickly than they do from their children.
As Yoshi’s aunt said, “Moving isn’t for sissies”—at any age. When limitations of age make it necessary, it can be particularly daunting. With prayer, wisdom, humility, empathy, compassion, and the help of others, we can honor and serve our parents well in this difficult transition.
I’d love to hear from you. Have you helped parents in the process of downsizing? Have you yourself downsized? What was helpful? What was hard?
Recommended Reading
Parenting Our Parents: Transforming the Challenge into a Journey of Love by Jane Wolf Frances
I found this book at the local library, and although I’ve only skimmed it, I found it helpful. Frances, a lawyer and a psychotherapist specializing in geriatrics, offers wisdom and stories that guide us as we embark on the journey of caring for aging parents. She also has a website offering resources: https://parentingourparents.org/
Beyond the Darkness: A Gentle Guide for Living with Grief and Thriving after Loss by Clarissa Moll
I’ve had the privilege of being on the launch team for this book, so I got a sneak “listen” — the publisher provided us with a free audiobook. (It will be released July 5). Here’s my brief review. I plan to do a longer one in next month’s column. One of the best and most practical books I've read on grief. Clarissa Moll is indeed a gentle guide into the journey of grief. Exposing the myths of grief and introducing us to its realities, she names aspects to grief that help us to know we're not alone in what we're experiencing. She discusses everything from the physical impact to the loneliness we can experience at church to parenting grieving children. Best of all, throughout the journey, she tenderly affirms the hope of healing, the hope that one day we will live forever in a world where grief is no more.
When Moving Our Aging Parents Becomes Necessary
Thank you.
I look forward to the daily prayer everyday, and always find a connection to it. It’s central to my morning routine. I appreciate you and your wisdom. May God continue to bless you and your ministry. Sarah
My family has had to do this more than we would like to admit. First with our mother, Alzheimer’s had ravaged her mind and body for 9 years- our dad insisted he could and wanted to take care of her. We found a wonderful facility that took beautiful care until she passed.
Moving dad has been more difficult, and his moves have all been during this long season of Covid. Some things we learned: find a place with different levels of care on one site- an injury or illness can make independent living impossible. Feel good about “leaving “ - you have to trust that your family is being cared for.
We have made it a priority to find Faith founded facilities, and distance is very important. Get all siblings involved in care, especially when there are medical issues. Visit frequently, but shorter stays. Use a white board to post schedules and outings.
Trust the Lord.