How to Gather the First Four Things You Need in Crisis

Will, Advance Directive, Durable Power of Attorney, and Passwords

Hi Friends,

This month I’m returning to one of those tasks that many of us procrastinate — gathering the things our loved ones will need if we are incapacitated or have died. I’d love to know — have you struggled to gather these things, or did it come easily? What helped? And also, have you ever had an experience of not having one of these things and really needing it? Please share in the comments or hit reply. 

When Crisis Comes

One friend, not having his mother’s passwords, spent days after her death trying to gain access to her phone and computer. Another friend had agonized decisions regarding life-sustaining treatment after her 85-year-old father fell from a ladder and suffered irreversible brain damage. A third friend witnessed a bitter family feud over her father’s estate because he had left no will. Each of these participants in our workshop, Organizing Your Life and Legacy, vowed that they would never leave their family in a similar situation.* They would prepare for incapacitation and/or death. 

It’s true, to begin to gather the essential information our loved ones will need if we are incapacitated or dead, is tough. It forces us to face the fact that, barring Jesus’ return in the next few days or years, we are indeed going to die. And who wants to think about that unpleasant (if not, certain) reality! The answer is, we do, if we want to bless our loved ones with a profound and kind gift.

As Christians called to steward our resources and our lives for the sake of loving God and loving others, we can and should think about it. We can and should do more than think about it — we should begin preparing the things our loved ones will need when we’re no longer around to tell them everything they need to know. (Note to spouses: this is a separate issue from the things we help each other find every day: I often joke with my husband that he will have to hire a “finder” when I die, a full-time employee to help him find his golf shoes, his computer, the mayonnaise.)

What do we need to prepare, and how do we finish what seems like an insurmountable task? Kelly Markham (my fellow workshop leader) and I advise people to begin with what we call the “First Four”: will, durable power of attorney, advance directive, and passwords. While we will want to share even more information than this (finances, work, insurance, life stories, etc.), preparing these first four gives our loved ones a head start on finding the rest. 

The First Four: Will, Durable Power of Attorney, Advance Directive, and Passwords

Will

Who needs a will? Everyone over eighteen needs a will. A will allows us to plan for leaving an inheritance, even if it is small (Proverbs 13:22). Even for someone with very few possessions, a will gives clear guidance to families about how to distribute property after a death. For parents of minors, a will clarifies who will become the guardian of the children in the unlikely case that both parents die at the same time. It is often best to seek a lawyer’s help with a will; many lawyers offer a very low rate package that includes a will, a durable power of attorney, and an advance directive (See below). 

Once we have a will, it is important to update it regularly. Estate attorneys advise revisiting wills every three to five years, or when major life events occur: marriage, children, divorce, death of beneficiary or executor, marriage of beneficiary, etc. 

Durable Power of Attorney

What is a durable power of attorney (DPOA), and why would you want one? In layperson terms, it is a legal document stating that you give legal power to another person to perform certain duties, such as sign on your behalf, deal with finances on your behalf, or make health care decisions on your behalf. According to Floridabar.org, “The word ‘durable’ means that the power of attorney applies even if the person is incapacitated.” 

Wisdom and planning dictate that we appoint a durable power of attorney so that if we are incapacitated, someone can take care of our affairs: paying the rent, signing forms for children, making decisions about medical treatment. Some people make one person the durable power of attorney for legal and financial affairs and another person the durable power of attorney for healthcare (we will discuss these duties under advance directive). Once we have died, though, the durable power of attorney ceases to exist. At that point, the executor of the will assumes the legal power. For this reason, some people appoint the same person to be the DPOA and the executor. 

If you’d like more information about the legal ins and outs of a power of attorney, check out this online pamphlet from the Florida bar. As I mentioned earlier, if you see a lawyer to have a will made, they will likely offer you a package that includes a durable power of attorney as well as an advance directive.

Advance Directive

One friend told me that her parents refused to fill out an advance directive because they believed it directed physicians to discontinue medical treatment. This erroneous belief is one of many myths about advance directives. (For more, see myths about advance directives). Also known as health care directive or living will, this document appoints a health care surrogate (also known as “health care proxy,” “health care power of attorney,” or “patient advocate”) to express your wishes if you become incapacitated. The document deals with end-stage conditions like permanent unconsciousness or permanent confusion and indicates which life-sustaining treatments you would or would not wish to have in such scenarios. 

Who needs one, and why? Anyone over the age of eighteen should have an advance directive, because as many of us have learned the hard way, we don’t know when a crisis may come. Without an advance directive in place, families may not know their loved one’s wishes regarding treatments like feeding tubes and ventilators and CPR. Such decisions are challenging at any time, but when the loved one’s wishes are unspecified, family quarrels, deep bitterness, and complicated grief may result. 

For an excellent resource that talks you through each aspect of an advance directive and explains biblical principles in the decision-making process, check out the book, Departing in Peace: Biblical Decision-Making at the End of Life by philosophy professor, Dr. Bill Davis. If you are sick or frail and your state offers them, you may also want to have a POLST or MOLST (Physicians’/Medical Order for Life-Sustaining Treatment).

Passwords  

In a day in which phones and other devices hold valuable confidential information, it’s essential to keep them secure with a password and to share that password with one trusted person. Additionally, gather all your essential passwords. While my eighty-three-year-old mother recorded hers in a basic Word document, and that sufficed for her, most of us will need to use a password keeper like Lastpass or 1Password to contain all of this information more securely. These helpful password managers are available both on computers and phones, and once you have entered your passwords they will automatically fill in the password for you. Once you begin using one, you will wonder how you ever did without them.

How do we gather the “first four”?

You may, like many of our workshop participants, say, “Yes, I know I need to have these first four things done along with gathering all of the other information my family will need when I’m gone, but I just can’t make myself do it. Here are two important keys to accomplishing the task:

1. Make use of community. 

As I tell all of my coaching clients, God did not design us to go it alone. Consider finding a friend who also wants to gather this information and work on it together, or at least commit to calling or texting each other once a week to check on progress. Work with a coach: as a life and legacy coach, I also work with individuals or teams who want encouragement, additional resources, and accountability. You might also consider signing up for our next workshop, which begins September 13, 2022. Workshop participants share ideas for getting things done, cheer one another on, and make progress they never made on their own. 

2. Consider your motivation.

Sometimes we procrastinate because we don’t have a clear outcome in mind. Let’s return to our friends from the beginning of this story and consider how things could have been different. With the password to his mother’s phone, my friend would have been able to find her important contacts easily. With an advance directive stating clear wishes not to be put on a ventilator if he was in a persistent vegetative state, my friend whose father was in a coma would have still grieved to let him go, but she would have had far more peace about the decision. With a will in hand, my friend’s family might have still fought over his possessions, but at least they would have known their father’s clear intentions. 

Put differently, gathering these materials is one of the kindest gifts we can give to our loved ones. It is a practical way of living out love for God and love for others in our lives. That’s the motivation that will help us finish the job.

*circumstances and details slightly altered to protect identity of participants. 

Join the conversation. Which of the first four have you gathered, or do you still need to gather? What challenges have you faced?